Independence Day

 

"Needy people are like newborns … If I wanted a kid I would have one. Until then, grow the hell up and stand on your own two feet”

Chase Brooks (US Author)

 

Needy or Emotionally Intelligent?

I see many intelligent people, even University professors, who have very limited Emotional Intelligence. When the Victorian philanthropists talked about the Needy, they meant poor people without physical resources to be independent. Nowadays we mean emotionally independent and successful relationships require independence and interdependence. This is the precursor to Emotional Intelligence and was an important lesson I learned after my divorce.

 

Breaking Free to Independence

Many animals can stand and run within a day of birth or they will not survive. Human children take many years to become independent, because they mature much more slowly. As children we spend all that time dependent on our parents for survival – shelter, food, care, education – and we need them to tell us regularly that we are doing OK. It’s a necessary part of our development to have that approval. It’s also an important life step to stop needing it, and that’s why teenagers are hard to get on with (unless you’re another teenager). Maturing and separating from our parents is natural and healthy. We need to develop healthy boundaries. Some of us don’t actually do it; we just replace our need for parental approval with approval from a partner. You may be lucky enough to find someone who is prepared to fill that need, but that luck won’t last long. Before too long the new “parent” will be either looking after you, or telling you what to do, or both. You’ll feel helpless – just like a child in fact!

 

Learning by Doing

You can only learn to be emotionally independent by doing it – you actually need to spend some time in a relationship with yourself, not with someone else. When my clients say “but I don’t want to be on my own forever”, I suggest that if they feel that they could be on their own forever, they won’t be, because paradoxically the independent person is very attractive! There is a natural progression from dependence, to independence, to interdependence. Independence is the starting line for a healthy relationship with yourself and others.

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