As an older person I have the advantage of having had enough successes and made enough mistakes to have learned from them. If you look at your own life and those around you, you can extract principles from the learning. I have ended up with a kind of personalised Desiderata. These are my current favourites.
1. When you make a decision, check out whether you are in an adult, rational state, or an impulsive, childish state. Impulsive decisions tend to be the ones that you regret making. If you are not sure, talk your decision over with someone else. Other people, who are less involved in the process than you are, are more likely to make rational, adult suggestions.
2. If you want to achieve something, imagine and believe in the outcome. Have a vivid picture of what you want in your mind. Think about it constantly. It will make it much easier to achieve. If you stop believing, you will probably stop taking effective action, and vice versa.
3. When you start something, follow it through to the end. Many of us have failures which are simply cases of stopping before the enterprise is finished. If you must stop, do not do it on impulse. If you reconsider the enterprise with rational, adult common sense and decide on that basis to change your commitment then do so, otherwise stick with it.
4. Remember to speak as kindly as possible about others at all times. Difficult situations arise, and you may have a strong view, or a side to pick in a dispute, but unkind words can come back to haunt you. Do not sit on the fence or avoid commenting honestly, but balance your views with a calm reflection. Be careful what you write, or commit to electronic media. Casual remarks or inappropriate jokes will be available for all time, even though the context is long gone.
5. If you are lucky enough to fall in love, be careful not to make irrevocable decisions and commitments for the first three – or ideally the first six – months. The heady mix of chemical bonding, sex, unconscious attractions, and a natural longing for togetherness does not make for a reliable state of mind for making choices about your future.
6. Being in love is wonderful, and the longer this state can be maintained the better. However, sometimes loving someone is an action you take out of care and commitment rather than a nice feeling. If we truly love, then we love people even when the going gets tough.
7. In an ideal world, our parents would be perfect role models. Most of us have normal, imperfect parents who were simply doing their best. One-parent families often model strong women who spend their time alone, and absent fathers who have limited influence on their sons and daughters. The results can often be strong lonely women and uncertain men who don’t feel a match for them. Seek people in addition to your parents to admire and model yourself on.
8. Be honest. It’s easier on the memory, and if others don’t like what you say that is their choice. You are not “upsetting them”; they are choosing to get upset. Learn to speak from the heart. Intimacy is a skill which is vital in relationships, and goes far beyond our sexual activity.
9. Learn a little about the mechanisms of human thought and feeling. Transactional analysis - ego states, the drama triangle and the games people play - is helpful and accessible. http://www.businessballs.com/transact.htm and http://www.businessballs.com/transactionalanalysis.htm are useful links.
10. In life, work, money and love, be a chooser wherever possible. You are much more likely to get what you want. The chosen usually gets what someone else wants.
What a great list Alan! Thank you
ReplyDeleteDo you know David Emerald's work, The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)? It relates directly to at least 3 rules on your list.
Take a look at his website www.powerofted.com and let me know what you think.
creating today,
kathy